Grandma O's Jam

I originally posted this on my personal blog, CHADMAC Speaks. Anyone who wants to, can go there to read other things I write. But please know that I occasionally post things that some family members may not want to read (particularly with regards to things like religion). - Chad



This morning, I caught a glimpse of a jar of jam that has been in my fridge for some time. Since Christmas, I haven't been able to bring myself to open it. You see, this particular jar is the last jar of rhubarb jam I received from my grandma and it is also the last jar of my grandma's jam that I will ever have. My grandma passed away on December 15th last year.

I wasn't going to post a blog about this, because it is very personal and such personal postings are not really why I started this whole blogging thing. Most people who know me know that I am a pretty quiet, introspective person who tends not to discuss such matters very often. But this morning, I realized that there are some things that I want to get off my chest that I otherwise would not discuss with people in person.

On December 15th, I was in Winnipeg making a stop to visit with friends before heading out to my grandparents' place in Saskatchewan for Christmas - My grandma had decreed that everyone was to gather at their place for the holidays last year. When I woke up around noon, I listened to a voice mail I had from my mom. She was crying and told me to call her back as soon as possible. I knew that someone had most likely died and the first thing that came to mind was that my grandpa had passed away (he has been in pretty rough shape for the last few years). When I called her back, my mom told me that my grandma had had a heart attack that morning and died. This news completely blind-sided me and left me speechless. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know what to do.

I wasn't getting on the bus to leave Winnipeg until early the next week. So, I had a whole weekend in Winnipeg ahead of me. I didn't want to cancel any of the plans I had that weekend, and in the end I am glad that I could get out see my friends to provide some much-needed distraction. Apart from the night I went to my godparents' place for dinner, I didn't really discuss my grandma's death with anyone.

In the end, I don't think the reality of my grandma's death hit me until I actually arrived in Davidson. You see, growing up, the moment I always loved and remembered about going to my grandparents' place was taking that right turn onto their street and seeing their house up on the corner. On the short drive up the street, I would know that my grandma would be waiting for me on the other side of that front door. This short drive was probably the one moment I looked forward to the most when visiting my grandparents. But last Christmas, when making that turn, I knew that my grandma wasn't going to be there to greet me.

It's the little things like this that I miss the most. Waking up in the basement to the smell of grandma making breakfast. Long hand-written letters in the mail with updates about distant relatives I don't recall ever meeting. Grandma's baking, including the ever-amazing jam-jams and scuffles. Grandma starting to prepare brunch within minutes of eating breakfast. Playing cards at the kitchen table. Stealing fresh peas and rhubarb from the garden outside. Grandma's laugh. And of course, the rhubarb jam.

When I returned to El Paso at the end of December, I immediately went to find the last letter that my grandma sent me. I reread it several times and then hung it on the fridge along with the pamphlet from the funeral and a picture of my grandparents. Only recently did I take them down (although they are still on top of the fridge). These mementos, along with the Christmas stocking that my grandma made me, are items that I will always have to remember her by. But there is something about finishing that last jar of jam..... Once it's gone, it's gone, and I won't be able to get any more. There's a kind of finality to it that I haven't had the heart to face yet. Maybe after spring break.....

Cheers,
Me